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5 Steps in Trauma Bond Formation | Counseling and Social Work Skills

by | Jul 20, 2024

A trauma bond forms when a victim becomes emotionally attached to an abuser, creating a connection that is difficult to break. This bond is characterized by the victim justifying or rationalizing the abuse to survive what seems like an inescapable situation. The victim may start believing that the abuse signifies love and that their actions are to blame for the abuser's anger or behavior. This phenomenon often occurs in cases of complex post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), where the traumatic event is repetitive, and the victim feels there is no escape.

The formation of a trauma bond typically follows five stages. Recognizing these stages can help prevent someone from becoming entrapped in such a relationship. The first stage is the honeymoon or love bombing phase. During this phase, the abuser showers the victim with compliments, gifts, and affection, making them feel incredibly valued and loved. This creates an intense emotional high for the victim, making them reluctant to leave the relationship as they become addicted to this positive attention.

Once the victim is hooked, the abuser moves to the second stage, which is fostering trust and dependency. Here, the abuser works on making the victim dependent on them. This can involve moving in together, controlling finances, or making the victim rely on the abuser for emotional support. At this stage, the abuser still maintains a facade of care and support to deepen the victim's trust.

The third stage is isolation. The abuser begins to demand more of the victim's time and attention, gradually isolating them from friends, family, and any support systems. This isolation ensures that the victim becomes more dependent on the abuser, who is now their primary, if not sole, source of support and interaction. The abuser may discourage or outright forbid the victim from seeing others, claiming that others do not understand their relationship or are a bad influence.

Next comes criticism and gaslighting, the fourth stage. The abuser starts to blame the victim for things that go wrong and manipulate their perception of reality. They might say things like, “If you were better, I wouldn't be so angry,” making the victim believe that the abuse is their fault. Gaslighting involves the abuser denying reality, making the victim question their memories, perceptions, and sanity. This stage breaks down the victim's self-esteem, making them feel unlovable and incapable of surviving without the abuser.

In the final stage, the victim is fully under the abuser's control. The victim's self-worth is so diminished that they believe no one else would want them or that they are incapable of living independently. The abuser has successfully manipulated the victim into a position where they feel completely powerless and entirely reliant on the abuser for their sense of self and security.

Trauma bonds can occur in various relationships, including romantic partners, parent-child dynamics, employer-employee situations, and even in cases of human trafficking. Understanding that trauma bonds are a deliberate manipulation by the abuser, often linked to personality disorders such as narcissistic or antisocial personality disorder, can help in recognizing and addressing these toxic relationships.

Breaking a trauma bond requires significant deprogramming and awareness. The victim needs to realize that the relationship is unhealthy and that the abuse is not their fault. This realization is often the hardest step because the victim's perception has been manipulated for so long. Early recognition of the stages of trauma bond formation can be crucial. If someone notices the progression from love bombing to dependency and isolation, they should seek help immediately before the situation escalates to gaslighting and complete control.

Understanding the dynamics of trauma bonds and their formation is essential for both preventing and addressing these destructive relationships. It's important to be vigilant for signs of excessive control, isolation, and manipulation in relationships and to seek support when these red flags appear.